Thursday, January 22, 2009


2008 sucked. It was stagnant. This year, though, has been defined so far by sudden dramatic events. I entered the New Year ecstatic and drunk in a shower in a stranger's apartment (before getting thrown out into the cold). I threw away an entire novel, a year's worth of work. I received a sudden, unexpected gift of tax-free grant money. I got violently, violently sick. I lost money, in a sense, through my day job. I went to Massachusetts and had one of those bursts of creative productivity that only comes once every year or so. It seems like I will probably soon be losing my day job. (Prepared to starve.) I was a guinea pig for a medical study here in the U.S. and they said I qualified to be flown to France next week to be studied there, and paid $2,800. But today they told me I was disqualified.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Old! (26.) Ugh, I just want to live on a fucking island somewhere. Oh wait, I do. Gotta be up all night tonight, just ordered a pizza, steeling myself for disaster, sitting at the old glass table in my living room, ready to work.


IMPORTANT QUESTION: If you had to get across snow without leaving footprints (maybe for just a short distance like fifteen or twenty feet) how could you do it?


tinmaninc said...

Walk on your hands?

Matt DeBenedictis said...

I don't believe one cannot leave a mark in snow, even a light snow will leave a mark, but what can be done is walk on the snow and then crack up and shift the snow to at least make the footprints become a normal snow piled mess.

Ian said...

1) Long jump. Not sure how athletic and/or skilled the jumper is presumed to be, but even a mediocre high school long jumper can cover about 18 feet or so, though this assumes optimal conditions for a run-up and take-off. Standing broad jump would probably only afford you 8-10 feet.

2) If the snow needn't remain pristine, perhaps just dropping and rolling along it would serve the purpose.

3) Deception might work. Footprints are only a giveaway in so far as they suggest a human presence; were the feet to be appended with extensions in the shape of a paw or hoof, presumably one could pass without arousing suspicion.

4) Pogo stick.

5) Melt them away. Walk backwards and heavily douse the ground behind you with salt, which should leave a simple swath of melted snow without definitive evidence of human passage (except, of course, for the glaring fact that somebody had to have put all that salt there).

6) Make the snow disappear, either by washing it away with water or blowing it away with some sort of snow blower, such that nothing easily imprinted remains in your intended path.

7) Dig a tunnel underneath the snow. Traversing a pre-existing underground tunnel, such as a sewer or culvert, would also work.

8) Any trees above? You can use your whip and swing across, Indiana Jones style. Just beware of aliens.

Well, I'm too tired to come up with any others. Good luck.

N A said...

Wow, thanks guys. Good list, Ian.

I think what I'm probably going to go with, since I get to play god here, is:

Wait until another snowstorm starts, then go.

Kofi said...

When I was a kid (and about 150 pounds lighter) I always waited for the snow to melt and refreeze. I was light enough then not to fall through the icecrust, and as long as I didn't pick up my feet, the ice was hard enough not to leave tracks behind. This doesn't work anymore, though.

Mike Young said...

Happy birthday, dude. All I thought of was erasing the tracks as you go, so no points for me.

tinmaninc said...

Happy birthday, by the way.